Tuesday, February 23, 2010

With friends like this who needs enemies?


So last night I got a bag of starter for Amish friendship bread. Sounds nice doesn't it? After all, breaking bread with friends and family is what life is all about. What the "friends" that give you this innocent looking gift fail to tell you, however, is the curse that goes along with it. The curse that forces you to make a loaf of this caloric-coffee-cake-like-bread every week and half...the curse of the evil eye that you will get every time you pass out a new set of starters. Pretty soon you'll be running out of friends and passing them out on the streets to total strangers.
That said... the bread is delicious... so anyone out there that wants a starter in a week or so just drop me a line (LOOK...already this recipe has turned me into the pusher that I will have to become in order to pass out all my starters and free myself of this recipe once and for all). I will chronicle my progress on this journey and share it here with you. For now I just thought I'd share a recipe that my husband came up with last time we were cursed with the gift of Amish friendship bread.

Amish Revenge Bread

This is Amish Revenge Bread and I am sharing this fun project with you because you are my enemy (or at least, my guilty friend). The kids should not help for two reasons. Firstly, this is a dangerous recipe. Secondly, kids are inherently dirty and should always be discouraged from helping in the kitchen. It is a cruel recipe with devastating results.

Don’t use a spoon or bowl (mix with hands in old shoe).
Don’t refrigerate if you have anything edible in fridge.
If something scratches from inside bag, DO NOT LET IT OUT!
Be afraid! The batter will bubble and possibly make utterances.

Day 1 - mush the bag with your feet
Day 2 - mush the bag with your head
Day 3 - mush the bag with your bottom

Day 4 - Add to the bag: 1 cup sugar or sweet and low
½ cup crushed glass (brown or green)
2 cups sour milk
1 medium breed dog (long-haired preferably)

Day 5 - hug the bag
Day 6 - drop the bag, spilling contents partially and scooping up with filthy dustpan
Day 7 - kiss the bag with open mouth
Day 8 - jump on bag wearing soccer cleats
Day 9 - mush bag, pressing out to all corners evenly

Day 10 - Measure out 4 separate batters of one handful each into 5 old pillowcases. Keep one for yourself (you may make more enemies in the days to come), top off other sacks with kitty litter (preferably lightly used), add a brick for ballast, and throw through the windows of ex-friends with instructions attached by a piece of slightly chewed gum.

Preheat oven to 98 degrees
To remaining batter in shoe, add and mix:

3 rotten eggs
1 medium brown or greenish loogy
1 teaspoon vanilla
Some baking soda
Strain mixture through gym sock and bake for several days.

For the more health conscious, you can substitute apple sauce for loogy and it will taste great. Also you can add something like nuts, candy, or bolts to add a personal touch.

Enjoy and finally understand the secret to Amish peace and solitude.

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